Operation: Vampire Movies

#5. Dracula has Risen From his Grave (To find his home vandalized by wandering priests)

aka Where the Hell was Peter Cushing?

It just isn't the same without Peter Cushing to smoke and slap hysterical people and wear fabulous waistcoats.

Next time I'm looking for Taste the Blood of Dracula, the title of which cracks me the hell up. There should also have been a Say Dracula's Name, Bitch and perhaps Dracula's Your Daddy. (In true Hammer fashion this could have the alternate title of Why You Gotta Make Dracula Angry, Baby? You Know He Don't Like to Treat You Like This.)

But I'm getting a lot of ideas for a vampire story. It will at some point involve a bad guy trying to revenge himself upon the protags through their female relatives, and then getting his ass handed to him by said females. I just need to figure out what my not-emo occult detective's name is.

Vampire title contest!

Because it's way too late and I've been drinking, a contest! Come up with titles for the best '70s Hammer Dracula movie that was never made, i.e., Bitch Better Have Dracula's Money. The title that makes me aspirate coffee tomorrow morning (or generally makes me laugh the hardest) wins! What does it win? Fabulous internet prizes! I'll give you a cameo in my yet-untitled vampire novel that I'm really going to write one day (no really), or perhaps a shiny vampire-themed necklace.

Dracula commands you to share your genius with the internets!

What devil or witch was ever so great as Attila...

Because my brain is totally inundated with Hammer films, and because it got good reviews, today the boy and I went to Austin's Romanian restaurant, Drakula. I am now very full of the blood of innocents good goulash and apple strudel.

And while we were in there, we heard three different remixes of the Numa Numa song. Seriously, how fabulous is that?

Operation: Vampire Movies (the blood is on the table)

#6. Cold Hearts

Or, Lost Boys II: 90s Vampires of the Jersey Shore (Reality really does bite)

Too much "day in the life of a 90s vampire", not enough roller derby. But some really hilarious Lost Boys homage scenes. And bonus Power Ranger! This movie has two serious flaws: realistic dialogue is not good fictional dialogue, and the David-and-gang analogs were totally lame. Otherwise a noble effort.

Also, if you're going to play a Temple of the Dog song over a vampire suicide, I think the song should really be "Hunger Strike." I'm just saying.

#7. Perfect Creature

Genetically engineered not-quite-steampunk vampires! With dirigibles! And Dougray Scott!

Very pretty, but also very slow.

Argh. Now I have "Hunger Strike" stuck in my head!