Kino-running: When the oceans drank Atlantis

[stillsostrange]

Last night I watched the new Conan. I am left deeply ambivalent and frustrated. On the one hand, Jason Momoa was adorable, Rose McGowan was a gleefully nasty Brom painting, I have forgiven Rachel Nichols for her involvement in that G.I. Joe travesty, and hey--Ron Perlman can make even the absolutely worst film watchable. Stephen Lang as Khalar Zym was easy on the eyes, and Conan's BFF and the obligatory thief were cool too. I blame none of the actors for the film's shortcomings*.

(Also, this movie tells you the riddle of steel right at the beginning. Remember that when you go before Crom.)

The writers, however, have much to answer for. So much wasted potential! Zym and Marique's relationship could have been fraught and awesome, but that never went anywhere. Marique was a badass sorceress in the middle of the film, but not at the end. Zym on the cusp of godhood should have been able to do more than swordfight. And Maliva... Well, The Mummy and The Mummy Returns handled that plot a hell of a lot better.

And this Conan completely fails on the quotability front. I mean, I remember a few lines the next day, but nothing like Crom, I have never prayed to you before, or To crush your enemies, etc., or What is steel compared to the hand that wields it?, or Contemplate this on the tree of woe, or Do you want to live forever? I am a geek who can hold entire conversations in movie quotes, and Hollywood is failing sadly to supply me with new material in the past several years.

Luckily, the movie frustrated me enough to give me a plot idea, so I got something out of the experience.


*Okay, Khalar Zym had nothing on Thulsa Doom, but blaming someone for not being James Earl Jones seems unfair.

Comments

[andrian6.livejournal.com]

I sound like a broken record these days, but for a glimpse of what the film could have been without Marcus Nispel (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcus_Nispel) as a director, pick up a copy of Michael A. Stackpole's adaptation (http://www.amazon.com/Conan-Barbarian-Michael-Stackpole/dp/0425242064/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1314995454&sr=1-1) of the film.

The nuance, the humor, and the character arc in the earlier drafts of the screenplay showed through here. You watch the final film and you can see where the potential Nispel squandered.

For some great thoughts on what it's like to act as a script doctor, check out this article (http://www.deadline.com/2011/08/conan-the-barbarian-screenwriter-answers-whats-it-like-to-flop-at-the-box-office/) on the writing of the film and the different drafts the screenplay went through.

[mr-earbrass.livejournal.com]

Just...yeah. This fits neatly into the Molly-and-I-came-up-with-a-far-better-plot-on-the-five-minute-drive-home-from-the-theatre category, alongside such illustrious company as Season of the Witch. And yanno, I was totally on board for the first act, all wondering just what the hell was wrong with haters hating on something good, and then we got to the main event and it just turned into a pile of non-punched camel leavings. I think you nailed it with the cast being fine, but the script being so damn boring--and Zym's special specialness when he gets the pure dynastic blood of a necromantic empire to spill into his helm made from the facebones of kings is that the thing wiggles a little?! Don't get me wrong, wiggling tentacle masks are always an improvement, but that's it? Total bullshit. Hopefully Jason Mamoa's script for the sequel(!) gets greenlit in spite of this turdburgle and is...well, I was going to say better, but I honestly can't imagine how it could be worse.